sometimes it's scary how fearless i am.
not fearless as in i like to bungee jump or put my head in a guillotine and dodge away when the blade is 1cm away from my neck
but fearless as in, the lack of fear in the Lord.

I really don't understand how i could take grace for granted so much. I am so ashamed of myself sometimes.

This is just one of the 9194091257019234 examples:

The other day while commuting down to school, i was doing my readings and studying, so i put on my glasses. I really don't like wearing glasses sometimes, so i take them off or put it on my head when i have the chance. After i got off the subway and walked out of the station, i took it off and put it in my jacket pocket. When i put it in my shallow, shallow pocket, i KNEW that it could easily fall out, but sometimes you do things with 0% brain, so i just placed it in there, without zipping my pocket up. (i have zipper pockets, i know, my jacket is cool). I slowly walked into a building to go to the loo, and i took my time fixing my hair, washing my hands 30 seconds under the soap, then as i was about to walk out, i slipped my hands into the pocket......suddenly i lost my "cool". I was in panick mode. My pocket was empty. My eyes were trying to grasp a view of every corner of the bathroom. It wasn't there. Darn it i thought.
I walked out of the bathroom and trailed back to the subway station, which was quite a long walk, like 5 mins.
i looked on the cement path, left and right, IT WASN'T THERE.
How could somebody pick up my glasses SO FAST? there are people walking constantly, HOW could somebody NOT see my glasses drop? OMGGGGGGGGGG
I walked back and forth from the subway station to the building 3 times.
In my head i was thinking:
a) I'll just buy another one (but NOOO I HAVE NO DARN MONEY). i was also thinking about how much i i had in my bank account and all the 92085 stuff i needed to pay for
b) Oh well
c) My brothers are going to say "you are SO CARELESS". BUT NOOOO why do things always slip out of my hands when i am 99% of the time careful and it happens at the RARE 1% times?
d) this is horrible
Thoughts were RACING in my head walking around the same route over and over again.
I prayed to God, I said, "OH GOD please help me find my glasses" But at the same time i was ashamed to say that prayer.
"Oh God, i'm so sorry that I only come to you when i need help" Memories flooded in my mind of times when i chose NOT to pray, NOT to read the bible, give in to things i know i shouldn't do. i regret, i'm so sorry
These two prayers were constantly resounding my head. It was such a conflicting feeling.

On that rainy day, and on my fourth time walking back, i told myself it was my last time. I kept eyeing people that walked by because THEY could be potential my glasses STEALER, or picker upper. Anyway, thank the Lord somebody left it on the edge of an outdoor stone pot.

"Thank you Lord" It was a great relief, but the experience left me with a disturbing chill- why couldn't i remain faithful? so at times like these, i wouldn't be ashamed of asking God for help?

Psalm 86:11 "Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name."


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On a sidenote, i really love old songs.