Today was the first day of SALT (Servants Attitudes Leader Training), around 20 of us gathered in the basement, had some food, uncle Simon did an introduction and we had a speaker come in to talk about leadership.

The speaker is Anita and Ivan's dear friend/professor, Henry Wildboer, i remember Anita RAVINGGG about him during sunday school about how amazing he is and how much his classes impacted her, so i really looked forward to tonight. Nonetheless it was amazing, he's a great speaker and i sat so close to him i could see his triceps jiggle when he made hand gestures.

At the beginning half of the lecture, he talked abour the changes of leadership in churches between the older generation and the newer generation, then at the latter part, he talked about the "heart essentials of the leader".

One thing that impacted me was point #7 desires to be more transparent. When our smaller group got together to discuss some points, we started talking about the difference between wanting to be transparent VS actually being transparent.

I started to think about the word "transparency" Besides it reminding me of overhead projectors and the wide range of coloured staedler overhead pens there are. I've always wanted to be open to other people. i've always admired people who could so open and willing to be vulnerable. I might seem like a super easy going outspoken person, but in my opinion, i'm actually not and i am actually quite reserved. I most of the time dread sharing nights because i cannot bear spilling my heart in front of so many people. I feel embarassed about how sinful and disgusting i am, i never want to talk about my problems, i don't think people want to hear it, i fear people despising me and judging me. I can't bear the thought of people thinking that i'm just some whiny person who just loves to complain. Nonetheless i don't like to be vulnerable to other people. I've got some major pride issues man.

Anyway despite the pride i actually want to be transparent. I want other people to know, but what does it take me to let go of this wall? Something Wildeboer mentioned really struck me, when Uncle Simon asked, "isn't it kind of risky to be transparent and vulnerable to others?" Wildeboer said "if we only share about our successes, it tends to threaten. But if we share about our vulnerabilities, it opens up to the rest of the group to feel comfortable to share about their struggles."

so good.

I want to learn to let some of my guards down. I want to be vulnerable, i want to learn to trust in others.

I look forward to be mentored, to become a better leader, a better servant...yay!
I also look forward to accountability to my new-found accountability buddy!
This is exciting!! I am so happy! YAY!