i've been updating my blog an awful lot lately..guess i just need to vent
It's the march of many massignments (take away the 'm', i'm just adding it on to continue the alliteration). Today I met up with my group to talk about the presentation we're going to do this coming Tuesday on youth crime and policy. Three months ago we divided up the tasks for each person to research on individually, and today was the first time we met up to discuss the "flow" of the presentation. Everyone in the group shared so eloquently their chunk of research and how they planned to present it. When it was my turn, I stuttered. Like Joe (the singer). When i finished my part i looked around and saw their cringing eyebrows and suspicious eyes, "she probably has NO clue what she's talking about." I wanted to run away instantly and cry myself a river. or a sea. or an ocean. or just some tears. or..not cry. haha.
The problem is, i spent countless hours walking around campus borrowing books, researching, highlighting, reading, developing arguments, find party platforms...I felt all those hours went to complete utter waste when it came to verbally reciting it out today. I have a memory retrieval problem. My brain is like a car with child safety locks on. Knowledge can enter into my brain easily, but nothing departs or exits once it's in, it can't, because of the lock. STUPID lock.
Well my brain does not only have child lock on, it has a mental capacity of a child. Members in my group used super sophisticated English that was so..hard to comprehend. They kept talking and i kept thinking, "what?" EVERYONE in my group, EVERYONE in my classes, EVERYONE i know.....are SO darn smart. I do NOT know how i even got into UT, i don't even know how i passed high school...even kindergarten (i can spell kindergarten..it's spelled with a 't'! yay!)
It is only by God's grace that i was able to even complete 2 years of university. I don't know how. Like..how the?
I have a prof who's SO 'laxed in marking he told us he HATED the whole marking system of schools and told us about how he thought marks and grades are an INSULT to students. When he said that, i had this strong inclination to get off my chair and run up in front of the lecture hall and give him a high five...
I've been getting back a lot of my test results, every test have been complete let downs. There is NO correlation whatsoever as to the TIME and EFFORT spent reading, taking notes and my marks. Am i reading like this "100 funniest cafeteria jokes" book for my anthropology of inequality and poverty class instead? Am i sitting in a botany class and writing an exam for a psych course? WHAT? I am speechless. I DO NOT KNOW what it takes to succeed in school.
Okay what is "success" anyway?
I know a lot of people like to "comfort" friends and say, "well you tried your best"...but deep down everyone wants to see some concrete proof that all the blood and sweat went to some sort of productive cause. or else what IS the point of studying? Why would there be little nerds who hide in libraries as their fortress against evil C's and D's? (okay bad analogy)
I have a newfound insecurity: Intelligence. ugh.
For once in my life, at this moment, i wish i was a girl who: has greasy hair, braces on each tooth, carrys a huge "michael mouse" plaid backpack, wears a skirt just above the knee with knee high white socks, has dirt between every nail, a unibrow, stubbles, hairy pits, wears glasses that has 10 inch lens, wears white blouses with roundish frilly collars BUT effortlessly gets As.
....come to think of it..no. HAHA.HA.HAHA.
Anyway i'm just venting, i guess i'll just try to be smarter in studying. i'm going to bed now. i shall sleep away my miseries. tomorrow will be a new and happy day filled with brie cheese and crackers.
p.s. i *love* my background song..."...Don't lose your confidence if you slip, be grateful for a pleasant trip and pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again..." so relevant. [LISTEN TO IT!!! (thanks silas)!]
4 comments:
Awww Gendi. You're so hard on yourself. Well you know what? I admire you folks who aren't in science and don't just spend your time memorizing stuff, and instead you analyze stuff and make meaningful and interesting critiques of what you read and discuss with other people. I really admire you essay writers. You definately are intelligent to me :)
You know what? You'd be surprised at how I see so many incredibly intelligent people who seem to have it all...and you know what? They're all attractive! They're not your typical glasses wearing greasy haired brainers, but all those doctors and medical students I see (who I'm sure are almost all over achievers - you have to be to get into medical school) are good looking people. Sure a lot of them wear glasses, and some look nerdier than others, but some people seem to have it all! So unfair.
Anyways, it's typical of me to give people quotes..so I'll give one to you too. It's the best I can think of right now:
"This is what the Lord says:
'Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom
or the strong man boast of his strength
or the rich man boast of his riches,
but let him who boasts boast about this:
that he understands and knows me,
that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness,
justice and rigtheousness on the earth,
for in these I delight.'
declares the Lord" (jer 9:23-24)
Gendi.
You know, I think everybody (everybody) has an innate sense of insecurity about almost everything, one of them being intelligence. And even the word intelligence isn't really used correctly because marks don't directly translate from intelligence. Maybe you need high marks to be smart. Maybe you don't. It's just terribly terrible that there are no other ways (known to the admin) of quantifying the quality of your time spent at school on school things.
I'm going through this terribly terrible phase of marks/stupidity/self worth too. Everything tells me that I am stupid beyond belief, which is beyond humbling. Humbling is good, but when there isn't any confidence left, you wonder what else that can be done....
oh hey I know! More studying!
beloved gendi,
OH MAN,i know how you feel! okay, being in health science don't mean a thing (sing to j. lo's love don't cost a thing ;), 'cause my marks don't reflect intelligence. neither do my group skills when it comes to presenting information. haha, all the way thru your post i was like, "HEY I'M LIKE THAT TOO." and it's silly for me because i have a group meeting for a diff class everyday...literally.
it's a process. you'd think that daily group meetings help, but the "practice makes perfect" comes slow. i'm still struggling with presenting my information with confidence. esp when my peers have read like 8 million research articles, or have only read 3 but make it sound like stephen hawking.
at the end of the day, we all gota ask, "did i try my best?" now thas not simply something to comfort ourselves, but when we HONESTly reflect, i think we'll get some honest answers from God. the hebrew guy said eras ago, "in the night i remember your name, O Lord, and i will keep your law. this has been my practice: i obey your precepts." {psalm 119:56}
in short, keep working on those group skills. and "take captive every thought"--esp those that we're stupid-- and make those thoughts "obedient to Christ."
sending 52,
rachel :)
Ooooh Gendi and Rach! I wanted to share this with you: "Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up" 1 Cor 8:1b. I think both of you are incredibly intelligent.
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