summer of love

Truly, this is the summer numerous hookups.

When people ask me about relationships, I tell them that I am waiting for the one. Since gr.11, i made a promise to God that i will not take relationships lightly and consider potential guys carefully before even taking any step of liking them. So, for 5 years I have been waiting, and waiting.
Since I made that promise to the Lord, I have been so content with my singlehood that I did not like anybody since then. Sure, i had a couple of crushes, e.g. the scruffy hot white guy in my anthro class; or the korean dude who was so darn smart and intelligent; or the coworker who turned me on because he was cleaning the popcorn maker without telling anybody, etc. But I made sure my heart was preserved well. I made sure i did not "like" anybody because liking meant I would really pray about them and i would spend time investing my heart into. I have not found anybody that's touched my heart enough for me to consider them to be a 'potential'. Call me picky or whatever. But yes, it's true, i have not liked anybody since gr.11. Honest.

I don't see singlehood as something to sulk about, or for other's to feel sorry about. However, this summer of love has got me thinking about relationships just a bit more than i have the past few years...

There are people who make me feel that I should have a bf asap:
1. My parents have been asking me, "You're 21, how come you don't have a boyfriend yet?", and they keep praising my little brother for having such a pretty girlfriend, as if it was some kind of achievement, very typically asian. Don't get me wrong, i like his gf, but I don't like the way they make it sound, as if if i had an 'ugly' bf, they wouldn't be as proud.

2. Friends who ask me if i have a boyfriend, when i tell them that i've never had a boyfriend in my life, some of them are surprised, and most of them say, "hey it's okay, dont worry", as if i was traumatized or it's sad to be single.

............. How about me? Do i think i want a bf now? I'm not sure. I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know if i'm spiritually ready to handle it. There are so many things about myself that I haven't figured out completely yet. There are so many things i don't like about myself, so many things i couldn't accept about myself. My biggest fear about having a bf is that I wouldn't be able to accept him for loving me if even i couldn't accept and love myself.
How about the Lord? Have I been loving God enough? Would i neglect God if I was in a relationship? Am i spiritually strong enough to be mature and discerning?

So i say to myself, "No, Gendi. No you are not ready to have a bf yet."

Case closed. I don't care what other people think, I need to be patient, He will provide at the right time. I am just not ready. I am not going to settle for anybody.

I am okay with what I am, i am comfortable with my choices, yet I do have moments of doubt. In all honesty, I have been thinking about relationships a lot more lately, especially this summer. I don't like talking about it because lately i've been feeling even a bit ashamed of my singlehood. I think about a lot of things like, how come nobody likes me? I think about how i'm not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not spiritual enough, not caring enough, not girly enough, not smart enough, etc etc. All these insecurities start creeping in and i end up feeling like crap. These are things that eat at me. So i fight back because I know deep in my heart that my contentment should lie in the Lord, and not whether people like me, or whether I have a boyfriend.

i think about how much God loves me, about how faithful he is, and that on the day that I do find the love of my life, I will look back at all these thoughts and say, "PSHHHHHHH".
I look at all the pictures below, I have a family that loves me so much, friends that care for me so much, WHY should I ever feel lonely and unloved?

conclusion? no conclusion really. The reality is, there will always be people who expect you to do certain things, there will always be people who will judge you, or expect you to be someone you're not. There will always be times when I will feel insecure about myself whether it be because I don't have a boyfriend or because i couldn't zip up the jeans because i have so much fat. There is NO DOUBT that there will be struggles like that. But really it comes down to CHOICE. I choose to be happy about where I'm at now, and when i do feel sad about it, i fight it. It's a constant battle

I know I'm not the best writer on the face of the earth, i'm not eloquent and i'm not even entirely sure if you know what i'm saying. But I know that there are a lot of people that are single out there that struggle with their singleness, and i know this is typical advice, to wait. I just want to encourage you all to simply wait, and it will come. If we're all 30 and still single, then we will consider speed dating okay? haha j/k. FIGHT the negativity and think about your family and your friends that love you. Think about drinking mocha frappucino on a hot day, or a bigg looong pee session after holding it in for 12 hours, just don't think that you're not good enough for anybody, and be reassured that the Lord will provide a good trustworthy guy/girl for you! Come talk to me! And we will meet up to mock those that have bf/gf's, we will have secret meetings to laugh at how stupid they are and praise ourselves for our amazing patience. MOO HA hA HA HA. :)

Just be happy about where you are and who you are, the Lord has a plan for all of us!